Members Of Capitol Hill Adopt Porn Names Of Their Own

Inspired by W. Mark Felt, the until-now-anonymous "Deep Throat" who leaked government information regarding corruption in Nixon’s White House, members of the House of Representatives and Senate have taken to referring themselves with pornographic "alternative" names, most of which were decided in an emergency session of Congress called last night for that very purpose.

"This meeting of the Senate will now come to order," said Senate President Dick Cheney, "and I am to be referred to as Dick 'Yes, That Kind Of Dick As Well As The Other One' Cheney, or DYTKODAWATOOC, from now on."

The Senators then watched a variety of pornographic films including "Sleepless In Seattle (Because Of The Sex)," "The Adventures Of Pluto Wang," and "The Passion Of The Christ" to brainstorm ideas for appropriate names for themselves.

"I'd really like to be Jeff Bangaman," said Senator Bingaman (D-NM) after viewing the movies. "Not because I'm gay, but just because it seems to fit with the whole thing we're doing here."

"Plus, you could always become gay, if you wanted," chimed in Rick Santorum.

Other names quickly decided as the session moved briskly along: John "The Straddler" McCain (R-AZ), Sam "Culture Of Sex" Brownback (R-KS), and Bill "Cleveland Steamer" Frist (R-TN).

Speaking of Frist's name, which was very nearly "Super Sodomy" instead, Senator Joe "I Don't Want To See That" Lieberman frowned and said, "Wait a second, Bill's not from Cleveland," causing the majority of the floor to laugh at him and call him a square.

The new monikers, say many Senators, are designed to attract more attention to the Senators themselves and less to the bills and laws they help create, which are currently paid attention to by over .02% of the American population -- a "dangerously high" number for some.

"People need to spend more time focusing on my spicy persona and less time worrying about the small rider bill I'm going to attach to a bigger one at the last second that will allow me to legally deport homosexuals," explained Rick "Anal Beads" Santorum. "I think this is a natural evolution of our government."

"Some of the more immoral citizens in this country might not like the bill I'm working on to ban all offensive language and behavior from our airwaves," said Cleveland Steamer, "but thanks to these wonderful pornographic names, they'll have something else to talk about while I do it."

President Bush is reportedly pleased with the idea, although a bit taken aback as well.

"Hell, I had this idea already," he said in a brief appearance at the meeting. "I've been referring to lots of people by porno names in my head for years -- not just you guys, but U.N. inspectors, foreign leaders, and all the other Penises around here."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: