Samuel Alito Once Had An Abortion, Records Show
Documents from over twenty years ago reveal that Supreme Court Justice Nominee Samuel Alito (SCJNSA) once had an abortion (OHAA), making Democrats, Republicans, and Whigs all reconsider their views on the man/woman.
"This could mean that Alito likes abortion, which would mean that I reverse my earlier statements about him," said New York Sen. Charles Schumer, drooling. "On the other hand, if it was an accidental abortion where he fell on top of a coat hanger or something like that, then he's still a dick and I hate him."
Schumer's careful caution about Alito could be considered warranted, since the fact that Alito had an abortion is confusing given other records in which he states that he hates abortions and thinks people who have them are hussies.
"Maybe he's one of those self-hating abortionists!" shouted Edward Kennedy (D-MA) in a recent Senate meeting. "They have those now, my servant read it to me off the news ticker!"
"...Mr. Kennedy, did you have a question about oil companies and energy policy?" asked Majority Leader Bill Frist after everyone had silently stared at Kennedy for a few seconds. Kennedy did not reply, because he had fallen back to sleep.
Conservatives, meanwhile, have chosen to take the news optimistically, speculating that it was Alito's abortion that drove him to his alleged current views on not liking abortion.
"Having to get an abortion because you were attracted to one too many rough tricks at a truck stop near my house is a painful, degrading experience that would definitely make you hate abortion forever," said Sen. Lisa Murkowski, R-Alaska. "I would think."
"Alito got to do it, but he doesn't want anyone else to do it," said Republican Congressman Tom DeLay. "That sounds reasonable to me.
Alito was once thought of as a shoe-in for automatic confirmation to the Supreme Court, since he is the successor to previous nominee and current McDonald's employee Harriet Miers, resulting in what scientists call "Ugly Friend Syndrome", where "seeing a bitch's nasty-ass friend makes the bitch herself look much more bangable", according to Dr. Julius Slorginski at MIT. But thanks to these new revelations, the possibility of a filibuster has resurfaced.
"I think we should raise the threat of filibuster until President Bush finally gets the message and nominates a liberal judge," said Schumer.
"Why do we even need Supreme Court justices?" wondered Kennedy. "I think if enough of us build high fences around our estates, the rogues and ne'er-do-wells can have the cities, which likely are infested with plague and avian bird flu already anyway."
Republicans such as Bill Frist, however, have warned Democrats that if they even keep saying the word "filibuster", they will be killed.
"Besides, Alito deserves an UP-OR-DOWN VOTE," he said, using the secret code words that conservatives have latched onto as a way of saying, "If you filibuster you will be killed." "I think all nominees are entitled to that, except for practice nominees like Harriet Miers."
As The Enduring Vision goes to press, rumors are swirling that another document will be revealed that uncovers Alito's secret past as a Mexican drug mule, which would only serve to further complicate matters.
"Wait, so does that mean he's for or against stricter immigration laws?" said Frist. "Jeez, this stuff is hard!"
President Bush was questioned about Alito, but did not answer, instead choosing to sob softly.