Mayoral Candidate Actively Seeks Female Vote, Vagina
In a press conference yesterday, Kansas City's leading Republican mayoral candidate, Jonathan Foreman, made it clear that he was seeking the votes of all of the city's females, as well as a few of their vaginas.
"Friends, it has been too long since we had a mayor in office who really cares about the women of Kansas City," Foreman said. "I have a proven track record of standing firm on women's issues and I am extremely sensitive to the needs of a woman. I am caring and responsible, but not afraid to show my wild side now and then either."
Foreman added: "Trust me, I'm the candidate that can give you what you need."
Foreman, who has been married to wife Theresa since 1971, has actively sought the female vagina throughout his political career with a moderate rate of success. This election, however, will mark Foreman's first time seeking the female vote.
"Jonathan has been really enthusiastic about focusing on the women in this race," said Foreman's campaign manager William Walls. "When I brought it up, he seemed excited and said that it was a good idea because his numbers had been down with the ladies recently. Come to think of it, I'm not really sure how he even knew that without me showing him the figures from the latest polls."
Walls chuckled: "I guess that's why he's the politician and I'm just the campaign manager."
Foreman is running against incumbent Mayor Sharon Theile, who defeated him easily in the 2000 election and is poised to do the same this year. Theile, however, reportedly poses little threat to Foreman when it comes to the ladies.
"Mayor Thiele is a heterosexual," said Thiele supporter Barbara Hilton, "no matter what Mr. Foreman may say in his vicious attack ads that suggests otherwise," referring to Foreman's recent television ads, in which he refers to the mayor as both a "flaming liberal" and "a big fat dyke."
Foreman has downplayed the importance of the ads, dismissing them as simply an unfortunate necessity of the political machine.
"I never said that (Mayor Thiele) likes women," Foreman said in an interview last week, "but if she did, that would be totally cool by me. I mean, if she happened to be a lesbian or, say, a bisexual, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. I just want to make sure it's understood here that I'm completely open-minded and also open to experimentation. I'm willing try almost anything."
Foreman then went on to clarify that any kind of threesome he took part in would have to be "boy-girl-girl."
In addition to running ads against Thiele, Foreman has also been spending funding on ads playing up his own image, both as a politician concerned about issues important to females as well as a politician experienced in the field of vagina.
"Jon Foreman knows that women feel strongly about abortion, and he does, too," a recent ad says, depicting Foreman slowly undressing a woman and preparing to engage in coitus with her. "It's an important issue to you, and it's an important issue to him. So come on, baby -- you know he's always thinking of you."
Some analysts seem to feel that Foreman, with his new woman- and vagina-centric strategy, may have a chance to win after all.
"As a woman and an owner of a vagina, I feel that Jon Foreman's latest ads really appeal to me, both on a political and sexual level," said one female analyst. "He can go over the ins and outs of this quarter's fiscal budget with me anytime."
Despite having a lot of ground to make up in the coming weeks before the election, Foreman assures voters that his recent focus on women's issues is not simply a ploy to win more support.
"I just want what's best for the women of Kansas City," Foreman said. "If you're a woman and there's a glass ceiling that you need help breaking through – I'm your man. Or if you need someone to propose legislation related to some feminine issue like abortion – I'll do it. Or if maybe you just need someone to come over once a week and fuck you while your husband's at work – then by all means, come to me. Jonathan Foreman is out here for you, ladies."