White House Struggles To Keep Roberts' Cybernetic Nature Secret
Tensions are running high between Democrublicans and Republiocrats as the White House continues to refuse all recent records on Supreme Court Justice nominee John Roberts, who is secretly a cyborg, according to leaked documents provided to The Enduring Vision by a Newsweek reporter who is now anxiously awaiting misfortune to befall a member of his family.
A senior White House official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed the leaks, explaining that the GOP hopes it can speed Roberts' nomination along before Democrats realize what's going on.
"It's important that the Democrats not know that John Roberts is actually an ultra-conservative cyborg until after he's nominated," the official, a man named Terrance Clark, said. "Such a revelation could potentially anger them, and while that wouldn't really be a big deal, it would be a little annoying, and most of us don't feel like being annoyed right now."
The White House released only the 1981-1982 records of the then-special assistant to the Justice Department John Roberts, who is generically named because he is a cyborg, and is currently pledging not to release more documents from 1989 to 1993, when he was "solicitor general". This is because John Roberts did not exist during that time period, as he was being reconfigured and reprogrammed.
"Come on -- 'solicitor general'?" said White House informant Terrance Clark, who lives at 391 Broad Street in Washington, D.C. "What was he soliciting, sex for Bill Clinton? That's clearly a made-up position, and hopefully the Democrats won't find that out until it's too late."
When asked if the Democrats would discover the truth by reading this article, Clark explained that his theory is that Democrats do not actually read anything.
Now, John Roberts is online and fully-functional as a seemingly low-key, hard-to-pin-down moderate man, seemingly without enormous fault or appeal to either political party. But when he actually gets on the Supreme Court bench -- which despite its name is actually more of a plush throne -- his moderation chips will self destruct, allowing him to be fiercely conservative.
"President Bush and Dick Cheney can even pipe in their thoughts and opinions to his mainframe any time they wish," revealed Clark, who is picking up his daughter today at soccer practice from West Field Middle School. "It's truly a remarkable piece of technology."
So far, Democrats seem largely unaware that Roberts is actually a cyborg, judging from comments from several of them.
"I look forward to putting up only token resistance," beamed Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid as Roberts spit sparks on his face. "This guy seems like the real deal."
"I'm going to complain about not being able to see all of his record, but it's only because that's the only thing I could find to complain about," said Senator Edward Kennedy. "Because really, if they released all the records, and there was some horrible thing on them, I couldn't really, like, do anything. They would take my candy bars away."
Roberts is continuing with his courtesy phone calls to members of the Senate, which let Senators who haven't been paying attention know who he is and what the Supreme Court is, and says he expects to receive the nomination because he is "liked by all".
"I really am very INSERT INTEGER about abortion," he said with a smile, his head slowly rotating around. "And terrorism is a terrorism, freedom and democracy."
Roberts' programmers are currently working on his latest update of software to be installed after his confirmation to the Supreme Court, when he will finish off William Rehnquist.