Latest Obama Cabinet Resignation: Barack Obama

Pictured: former President Barack Obama.

President Barack Obama formally withdrew his name on Thursday from consideration to continue being the President, stating in a press conference that he has "irreconcilable differences" with himself, and can thus no longer serve.

"I keep nominating people for my cabinet positions who end up not working out, so I therefore must no longer be able to trust myself when it comes to myself, too," he said.

Obama's resignation marks the 107th cabinet member to step down from his administration, leaving an obscure, unknown man from the vaguely named "Department Of Politics" as acting commander-in-chief.

"Instead of 'hope' and 'change', I'll be bringing a stately familiarity to politics in this country," said the man. "I hope you'll join me in a relatively calm chant of the words 'status quo'."

Could Obama's mantra of change, often married to the idea of holding politicians to a higher ethical regard, be the cause of so many withdrawn nominations? Most political pundits say no, and instead point to the fact that Obama is a terrible person.

"At this point, Americans have got to be asking themselves: is Barack Obama drunk on his own sense of power?" asked Fox News commentator Sean Hannity, demonstrating his point by holding up a recent issue of the New York Post with the headline "DRAMA OBAMA: 'I'M'A SAYIN' SAYONARA'". "Folks, there's only two things for me to say now: one, I told you so; and two, Bill Ayers."

Obama's resignation also comes at a time when the former President was having difficulty achieving bi-partisan support for his stimulus package, which achieved support from only three Republican senators at the price of $100 billion in tax cuts per senator. Inside sources say that at the time of his resignation, Obama was desperately trying to obtain several personal loans to cover the tax cut fees of other senators.

"You see?" said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell smugly. "Tax cuts stimulate the economy after all! Obama admitted it, and all it took was a complete refusal from an entire political party to compromise on anything at all until he did."

Having left his cabinet, Obama is reportedly considering a few different career options, including opening "Big Barack's Crab Shack". But he told reporters that his future in politics may not be over yet.

"This whole experience has made me consider running as a Republican candidate for office in 2012," he said. "I grew very disenchanted with my party when, despite our control of Congress and the White House, I saw [Senate Majority Leader] Harry Reid yesterday curled up and crying on the Senate floor, while Mitch McConnell sat on his head farting."

He added that if he were to run for office again, it would be possible that he would not clear his own vetting process, and would thus preemptively remove himself from consideration.

"I've heard that I've done illegal drugs in the past, which could be a deal-breaker," Obama revealed. "Plus, did you hear that I'm married to a black woman?"

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: