GOP Head Michael Steele Calls Obama's Speech 'Wiggidy-Whack', Threatens Rap Battle
After Barack Obama's first speech to a joint session of Congress, Republicans came out swinging, with Michael Steele, head of the Republican National Committee, leading the charge in labeling Obama and his "silly-ass speeches" as "some bullshit".
Steele, who recently promised an "off the hook" approach to making the Republican party hip and tricked out to young homies, said Obama is "fucked up".
"Nigga's trippin', dog," Steele said offhandedly, inhaling deeply from a large purple bong filled with raspberry tobacco. "By which I mean, his championing of a large government stimulus in response to our economic downturn is an inappropriate overreaction, and he's someone whom I consider foolish at heart, although I'm in no way condemning him for the color of his skin."
"Bitch," Steele quickly added.
The missteps in the speech were so egregious, Steele says, that Obama and Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal may need to engage in a rap battle in the near future.
"Bobby's straight-up gangsta," Steele said excitedly. "Plus, he's young, and he's a minority, like me. See, America? We have some too!"
As a lead-in to the possible rap battle, Jindal has announced that Louisiana will reject its share of the federal stimulus package. Instead, he and Steele plan to raise money for the state by selling tickets to an evening of the two passionately making out.
"Rappers do that, right?" Steele was overheard whispering to Jindal, who nodded in agreement, saying that he had seen it on "the YoopTube".
But if the Republicans' strategy is to attack Obama's speech, they have their work cut out for them; CNN polling taken at 368 different seconds during the televised broadcast revealed that an overwhelming number of Americans liked what they heard, which ranged from a discussion on healthcare reform to an uncomfortable silence in which everyone looked nervously at Vice President Joe Biden.
"Basically, I heard him say that he's going to do a lot of things that are good, and very few that are bad," said one Ohio viewer. "As an American, I like that."
"He's our President," said a woman from Florida. "He's Barack Obama."
Still, despite his public support, Michael Steele says Republicans are prepared to argue with Obama and look at him meanly for years to come, if necessary.
"Punk-ass bitch better watch his bitch ass," Steele said, adding ominously, "Snitches get stitches."