Democrats, Republicans Draft Bipartisan Legislation Requiring Both Parties to Disagree on Everything, Always
A stunning piece of bipartisan legislation passed the House and Senate today as both Republicans and Democrats joined forces to require that no cooperation between parties ever be attempted again, under penalty of catapult.
Both sides cordially agreed to continue hurling vitriol at each other, and to meet even the most reasonable legislation from across the aisle with nothing less than outright contempt.
"I would like to applaud both parties for showing the American people what can happen when we act in the spirit of cooperation," said President Barack Obama, who is expected to sign the bill later today at a special televised law-signing summit. "This law ensures the dawn of a new era of cooperation and togetherness. That is, if such things weren't forbidden by this law, of course."
Both Democratic and Republican lawmakers were enthusiastic about the new legislation -- which got a "yea" vote from every single member of Congress except Sen. Joe Lieberman (I, CN.) -- and explained to their constituents that the law is evidence that Washington is beginning to listen to the voice of the voting populace.
"Your message came through loud and clear when I regrettably voted 'yes' to the latest jobs bill, which -- even though it was justifiable on merit -- was an abdication of my duty to oppose everything that Democrats do, no matter what it is," explained a contrite Scott Brown (R, MA.). "And, thinking about it, I wouldn't want a Democrat supporting any legislation of mine, would I? That would make me think that there's something wrong with it."
Democrats also touted the law, which was jointly drafted by Senators Patrick Leahy (D, VT.) and Jim Bunning (R, KY), who were so excited about the process of never having to agree again that they "ended up making out for a while," according to Leahy.
"If only all debates on the Senate floor and draft legislation could run as smoothly as this," he said. "I guess in some way, it would be nice if Republicans were willing to break rank once in while, but on the bright side, at least now this bill guarantees that both sides will languish in filibuster for the foreseeable future."
"That's representative government, after all," Leahy said.
Tea Partiers and progressive liberals alike met the new law with approval.
"Maybe if more Democrats voted for laws like this I'd even vote for 'em, but they're too busy raising taxes and spending money to do anything like that," said Dale Rebus of Knoxville. "But now I don't have to worry about voting for anything ever again."