17-Year-Old On Internet Disproves Obama's Economic Plan; 'I'm Ruined,' Weeps President
Political insiders were stunned over the weekend when, from the comfort of his own bedroom in his parents' four bedroom house, a teenager from an affluent New Jersey suburb single-handedly dismantled President Obama's economic plan via a series of posts on an internet messageboard.
The debunking of the plan, being referred to by many analysts as "pure pwnage", prompted a statement by the President this morning acknowledging defeat.
"I can't even believe this," a shaken Obama told members of the press, visibly sobbing and hugging his children. "I'm fucking destroyed."
Obama added that he "never counted on this young man's ability to argue on the internet."
The young man in question is 17-year-old Richard Palmer, who says that it was obvious from the beginning that Obama's economic plan "would never work".
"All the credentials and senior economic policy advisors in the world can't hide the fact that these guys have no fucking clue what they're talking about," Palmer snorted. "It's like, 'uh, haven't you guys ever heard of fascism and how it's unconstitutional?'"
"I actually used that line on the internet," he added. "I think it converted a few people on its own."
His amateurish attempts at governing laid bare by the teenager, Obama's staff later confessed that the President's ultimate goal was indeed a fascist state.
"We were going to shut down media criticism of the government around October, and declare Obama President for life around January of next year," admitted White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "And we would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for this meddling kid."
Palmer also used quotations from conservative think tanks, his dad, and Rush Limbaugh to make his case. The end result, he says, was an "air-tight" thesis that Obama's economic policy will completely destroy the United States of America forever.
"I'm just glad I was able to figure it out," he said with a sigh of relief, "before we passed the point of no return, and basically turned into a third-world country. That would've sucked, although I probably would've been okay, because my dad owns this firm in Princeton. But still."
Although Obama has not officially stepped down from office yet, most believe that he will soon do so, as soon as he regains his composure and stops crying. When that happens, Congress may take the unprecedented move of offering Palmer the job.
"We've never heard ideas like this young man's before," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, referring to Palmer's radical plans to replace the Federal Reserve with diamonds and kill elderly people. "But now, thanks to the internet, people like Richard Palmer get the ear of the nation."
Reid added, "It saddens me that we didn't have somebody like him during that other depression we had. I'm sure he could have shown [President] F[ranklin] D[elano] R[oosevelt] a thing or two about governing."
"Oh, God," cried Obama from Reid's lap, where he rested his head as Reid stroked his hair. "Oh my God."