MPAA Assigns Obama PG-13 Rating For Adult Themes, Smoking

Pictured: the rating for the President in question.

The Motion Picture Association of America, which assigns ratings to television shows and motion pictures, today gave President Barack Obama a PG-13 rating, primarily due to recent news that the President is having trouble quitting smoking.

The rating strongly cautions parents against letting their children look at, listen to, or dress up like and pretend to be the President.

"Any kind of drug use automatically garners a PG-13 rating," said Douglas Ryerson, an MPAA board member and spokesperson for the group. "And the board feels that most parents would feel that the material in this particular film -- namely, the President's smoking -- may be inappropriate for their children under 13."

The MPAA was established in 1922 as a reactionary measure against Jacques Feyder's silent film Crainquebille, which depicted a graphic scene of a woman's ankles. Since that time, the MPAA and the Federal Communications Commission have tirelessly fought for decency in public media.

One of the newest criteria added to the MPAA's PG-13 requirements is tobacco smoking. Recent studies have shown that tobacco is fast replacing heroin as America's most deadly drug addiction, second only to marijuana as the most debilitating, insanity-producing drug on the planet.

"We feel that by continuing to smoke tobacco, the President is exposing our children to his cancerous, deviant ways," continued Ryerson. "While it is true that tobacco smoking is legal, it is only legal in the same way that owning a child prostitute is legal -- that is to say, apparently it is not."

Obama reluctantly agreed that a PG-13 rating is "generally acceptable," though he did say he'd hoped for a G or, at most, a PG rating.

"I like to think that I'm suitable for all audiences," said Obama while chewing some kind of gum -- possibly drug-filled gum. "But I do understand the board's reasoning. It is bulletproof, solid and logical."

Critics of the Obama administration have used the rating to their advantage, citing Obama's "almost pornographic lifestyle" as evidence that he was born in Kenya, and is therefore not an American. Radio personality Glenn Beck lashed out at Obama on his syndicated show.

"Folks, I'm a liberty-loving man," said Beck, "and I believe that everyone should be free to live their lives as they see fit. But when we've got a President who clearly hates and wants to destroy our children, I think it's clear that we haven't got a President at all. We've got an Anti-Christ, and his demonic reign must be stopped."

In light of the ruling, most major television networks will be required by the FCC to alert parents up to four days before broadcasting any video clips containing an image of the President. They will also need to bleep out any words the President says, as well as cover his face with a black square and blur out his body.

In addition, children who listen to the radio will be spared from Obama's voice, which scientists believe came to be so deep and soothing from years of cigarette smoking (and possibly cancer). Any clips of the President speaking will be digitally enhanced to instead sound like a Lady GaGa song.

A spokesman for the tobacco industry -- recently voted America's coolest-looking, most carefree industry -- said that while it may be true that children emulate their idols, the heroes of most 21st century kids are all terrible people who engage in far more despicable acts than smoking.

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