Treasury Accidentally Buys $1 Trillion Of Toxic Asses

Pictured: Geithner and the asses he loves.

In its most recent attempt to crush the banking crisis, the Obama administration recently created the Public-Private Investment Program to purchase as much as $1 trillion in toxic assets, identifiable by the large green pollution lines that emit from them.

However, when finalizing the draft of the proposal, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner accidentally forgot one "t", thereby authorizing the government to buy up to $1 trillion in toxic asses.

Unfortunately, the definition of "ass" has led to significant confusion in Washington, where an emergency referendum on the word's meaning was held Tuesday morning. An ass is a type of donkey, as well as the root word of "asinine." However, "ass" can also refer to the buttocks of human beings, as well as function as a slang term for copulation.

"For example," said Harvard English professor and author Dr. Albert Wilkins, "if I were to say 'Timothy Geithner just wants some ass', I am implying that he would like to fornicate, with either women or men, or both at the same time. It's a rather complicated word."

"What we need is a bipartisan agreement to purchase the sex-type of ass," said Senator Robert Menendez (D-NJ), who has introduced the ass amendment to the PPIP bill. "For I have not participated in coitus for some time."

Republican critics of the Menendez Ass Plan condemned the senator's "whimsical" use of taxpayer dollars for a program they say "has no proven benefits," especially since the purchase of ass is only legal in Nevada.

"I find my colleagues' sentiments short-sighted," Menendez said in response. "If everyone gets a lot more ass, we could see a dramatic rise in pregnancies. And 18 years from now, all those new babies will be ready to join our workforce, and make us some money, and GOD DAMNIT I WANT SOME ASS."

Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) argues that what's needed instead are "strong, loyal pack animals here in Washington, where loyalty is rare. My Ass Plan would flood the streets of our fair capitol with donkeys, who are not afraid to not do what may or may not be needed."

Several rogue Senators, including Senators Joseph Lieberman (I-CT) and Princess Amidala (I-Naboo), have proposed that "ass" be legally defined as "the rearmost muscles of the human anatomy, vis-à-vis the buttock region."

"If we purchase a trillion dollars worth of toxic buttocks, we will remove them from the general population, where they are suffocating lending from our financial institutions," explained Sen. Lieberman. "Because if you were a bank, would you lend money to hideous, toxic-assed people? Of course not."

In a televised press conference tonight, President Obama said that although mistakes were made, "we've made our bed, and we must lie in it, even if that bed is a bed of asses."

"I also believe in persistence," he said. "I believe that if we can secure a large bank of private investors to each tap the asses down just a little bit, eventually, all that tapping of asses will benefit the entire nation."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: