Outrage Continues Over Violence Against Pirates

Pictured: a pirate flag under attack.

As reports of more Somali pirate hijackings continue to increase, many former supporters of President Obama are now criticizing him, claiming that the deaths of three pirates on Obama's order has only caused them to multiply somehow.

Instead of using aggressive tactics to free the captain of the Maersk Alabama from Somali pirates, protestors say, non-violent solutions -- such as complementary boxes of chocolates, screenings of "Black Hawk Down", and free iPods for the pirates -- all could have circumvented the kind of military action used to retrieve the captain unharmed.

"Approving the use of force to free [Captain Richard Phillips] did nothing but put his life in greater danger," said Angela Beamish, member of non-violent resistance community Jonah House. "It's a miracle that he survived, which must have been a total accident, because violence against armed aggressors fails at least 99% of the time."

"They got lucky with this one," he added ominously.

"I'm surprised and even a little disappointed that Captain Phillips wasn't at least a little roughed up in the scuffle, maybe taking a little bit of shrapnel to the skull to remind Americans that use of military force is never a good idea, no matter what," said Brett Dyson, editor of the Elm Student Newspaper of Washington College. "All Obama has done by agitating these pirates is to put in peril the lives of other captured sailors. He could have done the right thing and let Captain Phillips fend for himself since it was his fault anyway, but now sailors of all nations are in danger."

Dyson's co-editor said that the incident is "another example of American greed hurting everyone else."

Though conservatives also criticized President Obama's handling of the situation, most excitedly approved of the shooting itself. Some Republican pundits, however, faulted Obama for not using the pretext of Phillips' kidnapping to invade Somalia and establish a democracy in the heart of Africa.

"We give all the credit to the Navy SEALS for the flawlessly executed operation, but a little more support could have made real inroads to combating piracy on the high seas," said House Armed Services Committee member Howard P. 'Buck' McKeon (R-CA). "Obama refuses to commit the kind of action we need to putting an end to these criminal acts. We don't need to win over hearts and minds over here, for God's sake."

The conflicting ideologies do not appear to be reconciling any time soon; despite a healthy, rescued Captain Phillips, and President Obama not acting like a complete pussy, debate continues to rage over the handling of the rescue operation.

"Sure, I'm glad that Captain Crunch or whoever was saved, but I do damn those soldiers, those baby/pirate killers who would rather use violence than peace to resolve the situation," shouted student organizer Brenda Bennet in a recent interview at a protest, where she held a sign reading "Pirates: NO! Dead pirates: ALSO NO!"

Recent ROTC recruit Greg Tomlinson countered her statement by calling the siege "fucking awesome!"

The termination of the pirates was initially harshly criticized, but millions reconsidered their position and resumed their downloads when they realized that those kind of pirates are still alive and well.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: