Supreme Court Fucks With Profanity Laws
On Tuesday, the Supreme Court ruled that the Federal Communications Commission (FCC, pronounced "fŭk") has the right to penalize broadcasters upwards of $30 billion for allowing "fleeting expletives" -- including the F-word, S-word, and "nigger" -- to be broadcast on the air.
A fleeting expletive is defined as a "bad word" that is used only once, either on scripted or live television. Bad words, according to the high court, are those that "are somehow related to the act of coitus, except for 'coitus'; or to the act of defecation, except for 'defecation'; or to a term of endearment often used by Negroids to describe one another."
"Even when used as an expletive, the power of 'FUCK' to insult and offend derives from its sexual meaning," wrote Justice Clarence Thomas, the court's most sexually liberal judge, for the conservative majority. "Most Americans do not participate in coitus, nor do they ever use words to reference coitus. Therefore, it only makes sense for the FCC to have the power to ban 'FUCK' and 'SHIT' from America."
Justice Antonin Scalia, also writing for the majority, agreed, adding that he always suspected that his name was actually a fleeting expletive, "because it sounds so gross. It is my hope that we can one day ban people from ever talking about me."
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, writing for the minority, argued, "I love to fuck. Everyone fucks, everyone shits, everyone loves to tell their niggers to stop snitchin' [on others for swearing]. These are just facts of life. To ban these words is to strike a stake into the heart of our great nation while it sleeps."
The FCC's acting chairman, Michael Copps, called Tuesday's ruling "a big win for America's families," since all of America's families were involved in electing the FCC and the Supreme Court.
"Finally, the American family is spoken for," continued Copps. "Before today, the American family was struggling long and hard against the use of profanity, broadcast somehow through the air that we all breathe, infecting all of us with its sin. Today, the American family stood up and said, 'If you use profanity, we will fine you, and pay the salaries of everyone at the FCC, including that handsome Michael Copps.' It is a great day."
A CNN.com poll, however, showed that most American families were more concerned about pirates, swine flu and the exposure of mammary glands on television. 69% of American men said there were "too few mammary glands on television," while the remaining 31% said that mammary glands "sounded nasty".
Tim Winter, president of the Parents Television Council, which monitors content on the airwaves, applauded the ruling, saying, "As it is written in Genesis 19:34, 'And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father,' meaning that incest between daughters and fathers is... Wait, what the fuck?"
Another group pleased with the ruling: conservatives, such as Senator Sam Brownback (R -KS), who said that "it's about time the government steps in and does some regulating."
At least one parent, Jonathan Weiner of Ohio, agreed, praising the "niceness" of the Justices.
"They almost got him," he sobbed, his tears moistening his faded, oversized Mickey Mouse t-shirt. "The swears almost got my boy, but the day is saved, oh my God, the day is saved."