Arlen Specter Converts To Islam, Becomes Woman
Senator Arlen Specter (D-PA), fresh on the heels of his conversion to the Democratic Party, switched religious and gender affiliations to Islam and female, respectively, on Wednesday. Once one of the most senior and influential Republican Senators, Specter has suddenly become the Senate's most junior Democrat Muslim female.
"My differences with the Christian religion and the male sex were irreconcilable," said Specter, who legally changed his name to Habibi al-Jazeera on Wednesday. "And with Allah's help, the Senate will re-grant my seniority and power."
The decision to switch parties, religions and sexes confused many members of the legislative body, as al-Jazeera was originally slated to become the chairman of a powerful appropriations committee. As a junior Muslim female senator, however, many more senior, male, Christian Democrats voiced concern about al-Jazeera's leadership experience.
"Personally, I think it is a great step for a Muslim woman to join the Democratic Party," said Senator Harry Reid (D-NV). "But to let a new Senator take control of a powerful committee before she has proven herself is irresponsible. We have no way of knowing if Habibi al-Jazeera will legislate like Arlen Specter."
Rush Limbaugh, the conservative commentator, railed against al-Jazeera's "betrayal" of the GOP, Christians, and men.
"I'm not so sure we want an openly Muslim woman -- male or female -- to be deciding the future of this nation," said Limbaugh on his daily radio show. "And the fact that she was once a Christian male Republican just confuses me. I hate things I do not understand."
Former Senator Jim Jeffords (I-VT), who left the Republican party in 2001 and later underwent facial reconstruction to become an Asian cat-man, applauded al-Jazeera's decision to abandon the Republican Party.
"It takes a lot of courage to stand up and say 'You know, I've been lying this whole time,'" said Jeffords, reminding our reporter to call him by his new name, Purry Mason. "When I abandoned the GOP in 2001, Arlen [al-Jazeera] actually proposed a ban on such switches, probably because he knew in his heart that he was lying too."
Rumors are also abounding that al-Jazeera may be a lesbian, having been seen cavorting around Washington with the wife of former Senator Arlen Specter.
"Okay, that officially crosses the damn line," said Ruben Diaz (D-NY) angrily. "I could close my eyes and pretend al-Jazeera was not really a Muslim, but there's no way I can be in the same party as a lesbian who could potentially destroy my heterosexual life."
"That is why," Diaz added in what had become an official statement, "I am announcing my conversion to the Republican Party, effective immediately. In light of al-Jazeera's wanton sexual irresponsibility, I am also announcing my sexual conversion to that of a gay man."
"It just makes me so happy," purred Senator Mason while lying on a large, overstuffed pillow. "For Senator Diaz to come out of the closet like this is just wonderful. It's like lapping up warm milk from a large saucer."