Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd
Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV), the longest serving member of Congress, became the most recent casualty of an increasingly tumultuous election year when he died this morning.
Fueled by the West Virginia Tea Party, a political party that aims to restore sanity to Washington by electing people who are largely insane, widespread anti-incumbent sentiment caused Byrd to become seriously ill, and eventually, dead.
"As of 3AM today, Senator Byrd is no more," said a statement read by Byrd spokesman Jesse Jacobs. "Voters have made their voices loud this year, and the death of Senator Byrd is a direct result of it."
Byrd was first elected to the U.S. House of Representatives in 1852, where he served sixty years before moving to the U.S. Senate. He was elected to an unprecedented ninetieth term in 2006, and has cast over 1.2 million votes during his illustrious, 182-year career.
A former member of the Ku Klux Klan, Byrd was a proud supporter of the secession of the Confederate States of America from the Union, but later backtracked on his position when he impregnated four of his female slaves.
He originally became famous in the late 1700s for chastising the Whigs for their support of a centralized monetary system, which he wrote "doth make knaves of us al [sic]". He was challenged to a duel by Lord Hastingsbury for his outspoken critique of the monarchy, but the match was canceled due to an illness overcoming Hastingsbury's mother, the Duchess of Chichestonsbridge.
Many conservative leaders cheered Byrd's death, saying that it serves as proof that the country's current leaders are literally killing America -- and, by extension, themselves.
"Every seat is the people's seat," said Agnes Oldham, a leader of the Charleston, West Virginia Tea Party. "What Senator Byrd forgot is that at any time, We the People can take back our seat -- by causing illness and death. Which was caused by him...being un-American!"
However, critics of the Tea Party movement, such as political and sports commentator Keith Olbermann, have condemned the illness as "politics as usual," and calling for a recount of Byrd's vital signs.
"Wake up, America," said Olbermann on his syndicated talk show, where he routinely lambastes Fox News and its subsidiary, the Republican Party. "In a time when war, healthcare and Wall Street reform are on the minds of every American, the GOP has only one thing on its mind: illness and death. Is this the future we want for our children? A future of illness and death?"
Olbermann then stared somberly at the camera, stroking his penis softly, and said, "Good night...and good luck."
There is one group of people who are tremendously excited by the Senator's death: potential West Virginia Senate candidates. Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is expected to hold an auction for the vacant seat, though the West Virginia Tea Party has already registered 412 candidates for the upcoming election.
"Remember, every seat belongs to an American," continued Agnes Oldham, "which basically means that each and every seat in Congress is a real American person. And I promise you, no one gets into Agnes Oldham without a fight."