Report: Cheney Withheld Information On Secret Project To Suck Damned Souls Out Of Hell, Return Them To Land Of Living
A new report, quoting both U.S. Senators and representatives from Hell, asserts that former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney actively concealed from Congress details about a secret program designed to return damned souls to Earth, presumably for purposes of fighting terrorism.
Senator Dianne Feinstein confirmed Cheney's role in both the program and its cover-up to Fox News, where many of the hopeless, directionless souls now work.
"We always knew that Vice President Cheney held several patents on devices related to connecting the dark realms of Hades to our mortal world, but we had no idea he was actively using these monstrous inventions to fight terrorism," Feinstein told one damned soul at Fox News, who periodically emitted terrible shrieking sounds.
The news has drawn sharp criticism from many Congressional Democrats, who say that they would have gone along with the demonic program if they had only been asked nicely.
"The Vice President had no right and no need to go above the law with this program -- he could've easily just wrapped it into the Patriot Act, which most of us frankly would have ejaculated on if we could have," said Democrat Patrick Leahy, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee. "But now, Mr. Cheney has earned my wrath, and he better be prepared for the consequences."
Leahy clarified that the consequences include a lengthy investigation into the matter that will ultimately not do anything.
Republicans, on the other hand, rushed to praise Cheney's devotion to the powers of darkness.
"Vice President Cheney is an outstanding American who loves his country so much that he was willing to unleash the demonic souls of Hell on our fertile soil," explained Republican Senator Jeff Sessions. "Each time I encounter these damned beings, I will be fondly reminded of Vice President Cheney's legacy."
Sessions added that he is also grateful to Cheney for finally finding a group of black creatures who, grateful for being freed from the fiery pits of Hell, will be likely to vote Republican.
Details on the program, and how exactly it helped fight terrorism, are still largely unclear. Reports indicate that Cheney's ultimate vision involved having the damned monitor the phone calls and Internet traffic of Americans, then rip the skulls out of those deemed un-American.
"The monsters from Hell were very willing to abide by Cheney's commands," said one anonymous source. "They considered him their master, for some reason."
There is some speculation that Cheney counted himself among the ranks of the damned dead souls, leaning on the theory that the Vice President actually died sometime in 2005, when his heart exploded.
Although these reports are unconfirmed, they would explain why Cheney has never been seen smiling since this time; the damned can only manage a twisted scowl that is obviously evil.
Current Vice President Joe Biden -- who many believe is not evil, but merely possessed by a mischievous evil spirit that makes him constantly look foolish -- condemned the program, and said it would only be justifiable during the coming days of the Apocalypse, when he and his family will "hole up in our house and eat anyone who comes by."