Fox News: Obama 'Not A Real President'
Following a statement from President Obama's chief advisor that Fox News is "not a real news organization" due to what the White House says is a heavy conservative bias, the network is defending its journalistic integrity in a series of editorials and news items accusing Obama of being an elaborate hologram run by a secretive group of socialists.
"I can assure you that we are simply treating Mr. Obama the same way we would treat any U.S. President who was not actually the President," said Roger Ailes, Chief Executive Officer of Fox News, in a statement. "We have a journalistic duty to inform the population of the facts: that they are in grave danger of being slaughtered by an army of communist androids, and processed for robot fuel."
Ailes says that the network's slogan, "Fair And Balanced", proves that its news reporting is fair, as well as balanced.
But if what he says is true, why is the White House singling Fox News out? Sean Hannity, a prominent Fox News personality, says that the network asks "the tough questions" that the President is afraid to face, because he is concerned that his answers will reveal his holographic nature.
"We ask the questions that other networks don't even think to ask, because they believe that those questions are insane," said Hannity on a recent episode of his show. "But is asking Obama why he wants to destroy America from an interplanetary satellite really insane? Let's get an outside, unbiased opinion from [former chief speechwriter for President George W. Bush] William McGurn."
McGurn verified that he did not think the idea was insane.
Fox News Anchor Chris Wallace also points to the fact that a flurry of news articles have appeared online that defend the network and accuse Obama of being in the wrong, as well as questioning why it seems like you can see through his head at certain times when the light is just right.
"Look at this one, right on FoxNews.com: 'Time for Obama to Quit Attacking Fox News and Grow Up.' Or how about this one on FoxNews.com, with the picture of a handsome man: 'Chris Wallace on White House Efforts to Marginalize Fox News,'" said Chris Wallace. "Everywhere you turn, on FoxNews.com, it seems obvious that President Obama has made a real blunder."
Other news outlets have had a mixed reaction to the standoff, although most are glad to have escaped the scrutiny.
"This whole thing really takes a lot of pressure off of me, and makes it less likely that I'll be uncovered as being an idiot," said CNN's Wolf Blitzer with a sigh of relief.
"I don't think it's fair to exclude Fox News from interviews and press conferences," added David Gregory, host of NBC News' Meet the Press despite multiple documented grave-turnings by previous host Tim Russert's corpse. "They're very popular, you know."
The network does consistently outrank other cable news channels in ratings, begging the question: can President Obama really just ignore talking to an organization that constantly hopes for him to fail? Obama says yes.
"I imagine that at this very moment, Fox News is reflecting on their news policies, and they're saying, 'Hey, wait a minute. We weren't being fair. It's time to change how we do things, now and forever,'" the President explained in a recent statement. "'Thank you, Barack, for showing us the way.'"