Closet Racist Finally Comes Out

Pictured: the newly-declared racist.

Area man and occasional EV contributor Gerald Bunson, after years of repressing powerful emotions and ignoring his true self, has finally come out of the closet and announced to friends that he is and always has been, in fact, a racist.

Despite society's rejection and scorn of the racist lifestyle, Bunson says that he has to follow his heart, no matter how severely he will be persecuted for his beliefs, and is prepared to do so.

"I used to just nod my head and agree with everyone when they would say things like, 'Dr. King was such a great man,' or, 'Quentin Tarantino uses the n-word too much in his movies,' because I was afraid of what would happen to me if I expressed my true feelings," confided Bunson to EV staff. "Then one day, like an epiphany, I realized that all that 'tolerance' and 'diversity' stuff just didn't fit into my lifestyle, and that it was time to call a spade a spade."

Having cast off his mask of adherence to the status quo and apparent willingness to cohabit with minorities, Bunson says that he feels excited about the future for the first time in recent memory. By exploring the depth of his prejudiced nature, he no longer feels bound by society's expectations to be an average, immigrants-rights-supporting, politically correct tolerator of the presence of other minorities and people that are strange and different.

"Things are way better now that I don't feel guilty when I stand next to a man with dark skin and find myself thinking I would love to see him hung," said Bunson, "from a tree."

"With a fork up his ass," he added after pausing to chuckle.

Bunson says that his friends have been extremely supportive and that he is overjoyed by their non-rejection of him, despite having admitted to being possessed by feelings that many would consider immoral and wrong.

"We're behind him 100%," said friend Tim Baskins. "Though I don't agree with his choice of lifestyle, you've got to admire someone who is so honest with themselves that they finally confront that which has been eating away at them for years, and embrace the part of them that had been kept down against their own human nature."

"It reminds you of the black man rising to power during the civil rights movement, even when all the cards were stacked against him," added the supportive friend.

Friends admit that Bunson's confession to being hateful of minorities and Jews does not come as a complete surprise. Overt enthusiasm for Mel Gibson’s latest movie "Apocalypto", seemingly innocuous references to "Zionist conspiracies" and his insistence on using the term "black" in lieu of "African-American" hinted at hardcore racist tendencies that Bunson was refusing to admit to anyone, including himself.

"I just thought that he was just a really big Chris Rock fan the way he would always go around always quoting [Chris Rock DVD] 'Never Scared'," said friend Sheila Hankston. "Still, all the classic signs were there -- wanton hostility towards the Rev. Jesse Jackson, constant criticism of the welfare system and hesitation to agree with me that all illegal immigrants should be immediately given all the privileges of full citizenship … if only we'd known sooner, maybe we could have helped make his transition from closet hater to full-blown bigot a little smoother."

Hankston also hinted that Bunson's propensity for having his shoes shined at least once a week also seemed to indicate something deeper than a fetish for immaculate footwear.

And now that the shackles have been removed from his ankles and wrists, Bunson refuses to be kept down.

"I feel so decongested that I am already beginning to embrace parts of the racist culture that I had heretofore ignored," gleefully declared Bunson. Gay bashing, for example, had been out of the question only weeks ago, but now that he has found that derogatory generalization of minorities and other cultures is to his liking. Homophobia and other forms of intolerance, though only dreams a few weeks ago, now seem well within reach.

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