Bosnians, Others Demand Milosevic Resurrection, Re-Killing
Former Yugoslav President and co-chairman of the Badass Hair for Older Gentlemen Club Slobodan Milosevic died Saturday in his jail cell, where he lived when not on trial for genocide and war crimes, of an apparent heart attack.
But many Bosnians, along with others who Milosevic either committed genocide against or acted meanly towards over the years, feel slighted by nature, and are calling for science to come up with a way to revitalize the dead killer.
"There must be a resurrection of Slobodan in order to kill him once again, so that I can feel justice for my people!" shouted Sjudan Lorpanbrx, a Bosnian man. "Ideally, it would happen within three days, like a Jesus that nobody likes."
"Yes, he is dead, but he was not ordered that way," explained a friend of Sjudan's. "I predict my grief would be cured if he could die under terms of being told to."
"I'll be honest," added Sjudan, "I just feel Slobodaned by this whole incident."
American psychologist Dr. Yancy Fellon, who made it his business to comment on the matter for some reason, explained that often, those affected by crime like to see the criminal responsible punished, and a "punishment" from nature is usually not sufficient.
"Let's face it: a massive untreated heart attack just seems a lot less effective than a quiet lethal injection," he said. "In his last moments of pain and suffocation, Milosevic was undoubtedly laughing at the victims of his crimes who would never get to hear of his death in a different way, or even a life sentence in prison."
Scientists have commented that reanimating the dead leader will be difficult, but not impossible, thanks to recent advances in medical technology.
"I would imagine that if we submerged his corpse in stem cells for a while, he would eventually return to life, albeit in some 'zombie state'," reasoned a prominent scientist, who did not want to be identified for fear that radical right-wing U.S. groups would kill him for saying "stem cells".
Dr. Thad Stevens of Los Angeles does make a point some are agreeing with, however: there is concern that a resurrected Milosevic could wreak havoc on the Balkans and even the rest of the world, using his new zombie strength and resiliency to feast on the brains of those who had condemned him in life.
"The last thing the world needs right now is a zombie former genocide leader," said an analyst at the U.N., who was promptly beaten up by U.S. Ambassador John Bolton.
"I'll say what we don't need," he snarled, "and it's pansy candy asses like you who are afraid of a little zombie progress in this world."
Bolton then breezily told U.N. officials that he was leaving, and wouldn't be back until he had
"Slobodaned my wife."
Bosnians, too, are unruffled by the warnings of a zombie Milosevic, claiming that even worldwide destruction and renewed genocide would be small prices to pay for Milosevic not being able to "cheat" his tribunal by dying.
"It's time despicable despots like Milosevic and Hitler learn a lesson: you can't escape your punishment by dying," said Sjudan Lorpanbrx. "If we can put a man on the moon, we can resurrect old criminals to punish them."