People Somehow Still Die In Iraq
Despite an apparently successful, fair election -- and President Bush's approval ratings rising as a result -- over 20 people waiting in line to become police officers were killed by a suicide bomber today in Iraq, confusing many people who believed that the elections would bring peace and prosperity to the for-some-reason-troubled region.
"But...but they voted," said Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice when told of the news, looking completely bewildered. "They have democracy. Why is this still happening? Didn't we show them how to do it right?"
"Iraq has a damn elected president now," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in disgust. "They shouldn't even know what 'suicide bomber' means."
Even worse, a senior military official estimated today that there are between 13,000 and 17,000 insurgents inexplicably still in Iraq, despite previous estimates by various branches of the U.S. government that they would disappear -- likely "into some other dimension or continuum", according to one report -- instantaneously after Iraq's elections were held.
"Wait, they're still there?" Rice said incredulously after hearing the news. "But our prewar intelligence told us they would all completely disintegrate the second elections were over! Isn't that intelligence good for anything?"
"Now wait just a damn minute here," Rumsfeld said angrily when told of the latest report. "The intelligence -- which comes from a guy who is pretty cool and totally all right -- says that Iraqi insurgents are supposed to be floating around somewhere in space or some shit right now. Therefore, I can only conclude that the insurgents who remain in Iraq are from...Iran."
Rumsfeld nodded and grinned, looking pleased. "That's right. I said it."
But while Rumsfeld and others in the Bush administration may be quietly setting their sights on Iran, others, like many Senate Democrats, are adamantly concentrating on one thing: getting out of Iraq so that it can finally go back to normal.
"It's high-time to fix Iraq by completely stopping all efforts there," declared Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. "People thought that elections would instantly cure all the misfortune there, but that's just a ridiculous fairy tale. What will instantly cure all the misfortune there is withdrawing our troops and leaving everything alone now."
"I said it before, and I'll say it again: we need to get out of Iraq now," said Senator John Kerry, who was instantaneously reminded through television ads produced on the spot of the 29 occasions where he said something contradictory to that.
"I'm going to freaking kill myself," Kerry muttered, but was told that he had actually stated "I love living and will never commit suicide" on November 29, 1984.
Despite the news, President Bush's approval ratings continued to climb, fueled by the belief of many that Iraq is now called "America Two: They Love Us Now."
"President Bush made them vote, and that makes me feel safer," said one Nevada woman passionately. "People who live in a democracy of freedom will never attack."
"For everyone who hates FREEDOM, this might be bad news," said an Arizona man. "But for everyone else, it's pretty much the best news ever. The world is on its way to becoming perfect."