North Korea Launches Death Star
At approximately 2:30AM GMT Sunday, the North Korean government launched a missile over Japan. Japan responded by producing millions of tiny electronic missile toys that are expected to take the world by storm.
According to a spokesperson for North Korea, the missile's payload was a simple satellite with a large speaker on it, meant to "send to the Earth the melodies of the immortal revolutionary paeans 'Song of General Kim Il Sung' and 'Song of General Kim Jong Il'".
However, a representative from North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) stated that the missile was actually a small moon -- or possibly a space station -- designed to destroy planets.
"Today, North Korea violated 100 international treaties," said the spokesperson, "and their defiance only proves what a dangerous man Kim Jong Il is, no matter what technical data they've obtained."
The space station, or "death star" as it's being called in the media (i.e., this media), was developed using stolen data tapes on an R2 unit. NORAD officials claim it will allow Kim Jong Il to blow up any planet he so desires. The reclusive leader, speaking from inside a rejuvenation chamber without his traditional black helmet, stated that he was "impressed" with the launch.
"Impressive," he said. "Most impressive. However, I find [the West's] lack of faith disturbing."
A U.N. Security Council resolution from 2006 strictly prohibits the launch of planet-destroying space stations, making Pyongyang's actions a direct violation. Members of the Security Council, most notably the United States, China and France, were "outraged" by Kim Jong Il's insistence on violating "all kinds of human decency."
"North Korea's complete disregard for international law shows that [Kim Jong Il] will stop at nothing to destroy the earth," said China in Chinese. "I am definitely pretty mad about it."
"This is a clear violation of United Nations' policy, and North Korea should probably pay a price for their actions," said the United States. "I'm sure [the price] will be a doozy, too."
France threatened to walk out unless one of their demands was met. None were, so France walked out.
President Barack Obama spoke at a news conference Monday morning about the launch, doing his best to allay concerns that North Korea could launch a missile at the United States, or blow up the earth.
"North Korea must understand that we're upset about this," he said resolutely. "Especially me, because my European tour was going swimmingly, and now you've gone and ruined it, although I suppose it was already ruined a little bit when that footage I took of Michelle sexily dancing got stolen and was used to advertise a porno[graphic movie]."
Obama added, "Now, please allow me to introduce my beautiful wife, Michelle Obama!"
The First Lady smiled and waved, causing everyone in the news conference to swoon. However, footage of the event soon reached the rest of Europe, where it caused such a pandemonium in Italy that a deadly earthquake struck.