Iran Vows Reprisals If 2016 Olympics Not Held In Iran

Pictured: Iran's campaign poster.

In the wake of recent long-range missile tests, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today threatened "swift and violent action" if the 2016 Olympics are not held in Iran.

"Allah be praised, that if Allah wills it -- which He does -- the Westerners will understand that Allah wills the Olympic games to be held where they began, in Iran," said Ahmadinejad, after having stolen the microphone from Taylor Swift at the United Nations.

"In the spirit of the Olympic games, we say to the world: there will be blood raining from the skies if [Obama] does not listen."

Iran has 14 cities on the candidate list for the 2016 games, including the sprawling cosmopolitan centers Nayshabur, Kermanshah, Sabsevar and Zahedan. Ahmadinejad also promised peaceful ceremonies, vowing to unite Iranian citizens behind him and the Olympics by banning the vast majority of them from attending.

"Also, the Iranian Olympics could not be televised, Tweeted, or otherwise reported on," he said. "Besides that, we say: let the games begin! But please be clear: Iran does not play games. THERE WILL BE NO GAMES AT THE OLYMPICS IN IRAN."

The White House said that President Obama intends to add "host the Olympics" to a long list of items -- titled "No, You Cannot:" -- that the U.S. and other nations will talk to Iran about this week. The talks have been scheduled in hopes of shaming Iran into finally behaving.

"Secret uranium enrichment facilities?" Obama will say, according to speech excerpts released by the White House. "You want to mess around with uranium, and you expect me to let you have some big Olympics party? I don't think so, mister."

As Britain's Prime Minister Gordon Brown stands next to Obama with his arms crossed, shaking his head in disappointment, Obama will add, "You know what, Mahmoud? You just don't think sometimes."

But even if Iran was not ruled by an insane megalomaniac, Obama would still likely not back efforts to hold the Olympics there; instead, the day after Iran's lecture in Geneva, the President will be making an unprecedented trip to the International Olympic Committee (IOC) headquarters in Copenhagen, Denmark to make a big push for the games to be held in Chicago.

Though it is unclear how Obama will travel from Geneva to Denmark in only one day (scientists speculate some sort of "flying machine or horseless carriage" may be necessary), one thing is clear: this marks the first time in history that a U.S. President has attended an IOC meeting, with the notable exception of President Iphitos, who restored the Olympics after the Dorians invaded the U.S. in the 9th century BC.

"While healthcare reform is obviously the President's most pressing issue," said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, "the Olympics are a close second ...possibly even tied for first."

GOP chairman Michael Steele condemned Obama's "thoughtless and belligerent handling of the Olympics and Iran," although he also cautiously praised the President for the Olympics and Iran.

"I believe that as long as we insist on nuclear inspections for Iran, while simultaneously invading their soil and fighting a third war, this situation is manageable," said Steele.

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