It's Time To Bring The Party To North Korea

Pictured: Scott "The Party" Morgan

Word, word, word, everyone. The Party is here once again, but this time, he's a little wiser, like in a Japanese samurai movie or some shit. You might have noticed that in each one of my little instructional columns on how to party to the max, I try to build in a little lesson (not like a boring-ass teaching lesson, you nerds! Haha, I hate nerds and their Star Wars) for all of those about to party but wanting to party harder (or even hardy, WHASSUP!). Like, last time, the lesson was: listen to your penis. I personally never thought I'd beat that lesson, but I realized the other night, as I brought the party to some girl who was pretending to be passed out from drinking, that I could be bringing the partying message to a lot more people. People like governments.

I know what you're thinking, my party disciples (haha, I told you I was all Japanese now, like the Qing Dynasty or some shit): The Party is into politics now? Did somebody give him some bad beer? Well, dudes, if you thought that beer could be bad, you owe me forty shots in penance, because that's a very un-party thought to have right there. What I mean by that, I think, is that I couldn't have had bad beer, because beer can't be bad. Shit, now I'm cracking similes like a...a dictionary, or something! Haha, maybe I'll switch my major from Philosophy to English!

Anyway, dudes, you don't have to worry: the Party hasn't gone over to the Dark Side. I'll leave politics to the gay faggots who love being gay and talking about shit. But when I was searching for some beer bongs on Yahoo today, I couldn't help but notice that North Korea (haha, where's South Korea? OH BURN) is shooting test missiles around, and that maybe they could shoot some missiles at the U.S. (or at US, you could say...did you ever notice that? Haha, political science major, here I come!) next. And seriously dudes, if there's anything that could stop a good party faster than dorm security (nerds don't count -- I've been known to get them down to the party level in no time with a little beer and horse tranquilizer), it's a missile coming through the wall (although who knows, I love a challenge! LOL).

No, this isn't an invitation for some kind of faggoty C-SPAN debate or a discussion on whether or not the United States, under command of the Bush administration, has been acting unilaterally, and, if so, whether these aggressive preemptive measures are a necessary evil to ensure safety and stability in today's world or only serve to inflame aggressions and tension, particularly in nations that already held feelings of ill-will towards the world's superpower (haha, what?). I don't care about policies (unless they're partycies! Damn, where do I get these from?) or anything like that. All I'm saying is this: we need to bring the party to North Korea. And that party needs to be one of the hardest parties ever partied.

I mean, think about it, dudes: when you're in the middle of a medium-grade party session, do you think about shooting missiles at anyone? Unless those missiles are in your pants, and you accidentally shoot them off instead of using your penis, the answer is no. Now, I might shoot a "missile" of beer at a nerd or two in order to stoke the party flames a little, but deep down, I know they wanted it that way. They were being oppressed their nerdish brains, and I liberated them (plus it gives me an easy entrance to mine their fields of knowledge later for test answers). The point is, when the party's happening, nobody's getting hurt, and nobody's thinking about hurting other people. It's like a peace and love hippie thing, but with people ripping the couch cushions apart and fucking on top of the ceiling fan.

See where I'm going with this? What we need to do is get together about 500 party vans, drive on over to North Korea, and unleash the party on them. They'll probably nerd it up at first, and for all we know they might even speak their own language, North Korenglish, and they might shoot missiles at us at first. But a good party can't be restricted by language or flying explosives, and pretty soon, everyone left alive will be having about as good a time as you can have in a non-college environment. Hey, do they even have colleges in North Korea? That would explain a lot about this whole missile thing -- these people have been without parties for too long!

I don't know what happened to North Korea before, dudes, but it can't be any worse than anything that happened to the U.S. in the past, like World War II or Vietnam (all right, so now I'm a history major! Haha, I might as well call myself "jen wa'" [that's Klingon for "high one"]), and we know how to party here. So I say, let's call the President of North Korea up, and give that man a kegger!

Scott "The Party" Morgan currently attends college. He is considering changing his major to political science, and becoming a foreign diplomat.

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