Lord Of The Rings And Ninja Turtles: Radical Ring Power (Part IV)

Pictured: copyright-fraudilicious art for our upcoming book.

X. A Heroic, Symbolic Death
"Arrraghblargahrag!" This was the noise of all of the Ninjorks, which are hybrids of Orcs and Ninjas and Pirates created when all of these things were exposed to the secret ooze, charging at our heroes at once. The ground rumbled, which made the camera shake dramatically. Battle music began to play.

"JUST CALM DOWN EVERYONE!" Leonardo admonished, accidentally falling backwards onto Donatello's bo staff, which caused him to shudder and groan in pain.

"Calm? You're just a tree palm!" Raphael joked, using his razor wit to break the tension while hiding the pain that he had from his parents getting a divorce. "Now quiet, or I'll only come and see you every other weekend like my father!"

"Never give up," advised Obi Wan Kenobi's force ghost. "Trust your instincts."

Deciding to do what old Ben Kenobi said, the gang charged at the Ninjorks, each one using his own skill in a unique and awesome way. April the *uc**** *o* reporter wrote naughty things about the Ninjorks, which caused them to try and ask her out on a date. "Sorry, loseorks!" she said, stabbing her journalist's pen through their eyes and causing brains and blood to explode out on to her bosoms. "I only date authors!" Frodo used his small stature but brave spirit to punch some Ninjorks. Sam rolled around on the ground and cried.

When the smoke of the battle cleared, all of the Ninjorks were defeated, and they were laying dead on the ground, creating a ground of death.

"Guys, we just killed 35.578 percent square root power of the Ninjorks!" Donatello computed, using his Turtle Graphing Calculator. "This means that all of them are dead!"

"Yes, but there are some things even your science cannot tell us," whispered Master Splinter wisely as he played a sad piano. "Look."

And there, dead on the ground, was Falcor, dead of a gunshot wound and a sword wound.

XI. Not Dead Yet, But Then Died
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Raphael. "He was my best friend!"

"He's Jesus' best friend now, Raph," explained Gandalf.

"Don't worry, Raphael," croaked Falcor, who wasn't dead yet but soon would be as soon as he finished talking. "Your mom will buy you a new dog, and I had to be put down. I was peeing all over the damn carpets."

"Like I pee in the t*ilet," Raphael whimpered, attempting a small wisecrack. Everyone laughed loudly and Falcor coughed up blood.

"Easy, gang," Leonardo admonished, still stuck on Donatello's bo staff. "Falcor, are you trying to say that we should press on now with more resolve than ever to find Shredder and Saurman and discover the secret of Azkaban?"

"Yes," Falcor choked. "Nevah...forget...me." He was then dead for real.

"You are so beautiful," sang April in a soft angel's voice, clutching her bosoms tightly. Everyone else joined hands and sang along. "You are so beautiful to me. Can't you see?"

"You're everything I hoped for," Gandolf soloed, stroking Falcor's body with electricity.

"You're eeeeeeeverything I dreaaaaamed yeah," sang Leonardo soulfully, gazing into Michelangelo's eyes.

"Hey guys, we can eat him now!" Michelangelo interrupted, taking a bite of Falcor's leg. "He tastes kind of like radical pizza!"

"Oh, Michelangelo!" the gang chimed in unison, and everyone laughed.

Just then, Gollum flew by in an airplane, which had a banner attached to it reading: "I AM GOLLUM AND I WILL STEAL FRODO'S PRECIOUS RING."

"Of course!" Donatello thought to himself, flying to a monolith on the moon and then to another one but becoming lost along the way and evolving into the space turtle. "Guys, I think --"

But it was too late. Gollum parachuted down as everyone watched for several minutes in surprise and confusion.

"Here comes Gollum to do something," mused Frodo. "But what?"

"I think I know," Donatello thought. He ran some final calculations.

XII. Gollum Does The Thing
"PRECIOUS!" Gollum hissed 14 minutes later, and grabbed the ring right off of Frodo's neck!

"MISTER FRODO I LOVE YOU!" slobbered Sam, eating potatoes. "HE'S GOT YOUR LOVERLY RING!"

"Gollum, are you going to go polish my ring?" asked Frodo, wrinkling his brow. "That's awfully nice of you if so."

"I don't think so," calculated Donatello. "Just give these printouts a second to come out!"

"Technology," disapproved Gandolf, destroying the Death Star with his electricity. "I disapprove."

"You'll disapprove of something else soon," Donatello thought grimly as he watched Gollum crawling away and anxiously waited for his results to come back from NASA. "I can feel it!"

« Go back to Part III | Continue to Part V »

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