Lord Of The Rings And Ninja Turtles: Radical Ring Power (Part V)

Pictured: copyright-fraudilicious art for our upcoming book.

XIII. Gollum's Mystery
Gollum was gradually crawling away with Frodo's ring of POWAH, and nobody was sure where he was going or what he meant to do with it...nobody except for maybe Donatello, who was almost as smart as a gigantic brain made out of smaller brains, that all had computer chips in them.

"Everyone, my smarts are telling me that Gollum is going to use that ring for something bad!" he shouted, making noises like "HURR HYUCK" because he was kind of a nerd on account of his massive intelligence.

"Don, are you all right, calm down!" screamed Leonardo, jamming his instrument into Don's mouth that would detect if he was okay and give him protein nutrients if he was not. "What's all this about Gollum stealing the ring of power and taking it to Sauron and Shredder and Darth Vader and combining it with the special pizza to form TWO RINGS TO RULE THEM ALL SUMMER 2006?"

"Gollum stealing my ring? That is fr*aking preposterous!" cursed Frodo. "He has obviously just taken it to be resized for me so I don't have to wear it around my damn neck anymore, because my fingers are like small, fat Jimmy Dean sausages that some people like to have for breakfast in the morning when their moms are feeling nice."

"Aw, dan choo say dat mistah Froda," Sam bawled, furiously humping Frodo's leg. "Yaw fingahs ah loverly."

"You humans," admonished Gandolf, using his electricity to make Casey Jones have an epileptic seizure. "You never realize that all your fighting eventually leads you to make war, much like the war in Iraq in today's world."

Everyone pondered this wise parallel to our modern times, and then Master Splinter wisely stated, "Everyone! I will use my ninja senses to locate Gollum. Then, we can ask him about his intentions for the ring."

"Sing that ring!" wisecracked Raphael, which caused everyone to laugh. "PLEASE STOP LAUGHING, I AM HIDING MY INSECURITIES BY JOKING."

"Knock off that joking, Raphael, and let Master Splinter do his thing!" admonished Leonardo, gagging Donatello. "I have a feeling we're about to find out what Gollum is really up to."

XIV. What Gollum Is Really Up To
"JOWOWOWOWARNGINLGZ." This sound emitted from Master Splinter's head as he concentrated carefully to let his ninja sense stretch out to find Gollum.

"Jeez, this ninja sense is vibrating the airwaves pretty hard!" commented the hot babe reporter April, taking some notes on her Apple Laptop PC Computer. "Yowwwwww mmmmm!"

"Come on, dudes radical tubular!" enthusiastically shouted Michelangelo, eating Master Splinter's tail. "It's pizza time and party time!"

"Me's precious," hissed Gollum from his position a few feet away from the gang as he slowly crawled away.

"Quiet, everyone," wisely intoned Master Splinter, fondly remembering his days as a regular old rat who played around in feces all day. "I am just about to lock in on our ring-stealing friend's position."

But just then, there was a flash of lightning, and some whimsical music began to play! DO-DEE-DO-DEE-DO-DO-DO.

"Whaahhr jeez Harry!" shouted a voice from the sky, and all of a sudden, there came a flying car with Harry Potter and old Ron Weasley in it, and it came crashing to the ground in front of the gang!

"Well I do declare!" commented April, unbuttoning her jacket in the heat and pouring Canola Oil all over her brassiere and breasts.

"Hmm, just as I suspected," mused Gandolf, flying around in the sky and farting out electricity. "Voldemort! He is the villain of the Harry Potter novels, but now he wants the ring of power!"

"OH JEEZ SCABBERS!" crazy old Ron Weasley cried, seeing Master Splinter and running after him.

"Get away, you fool!" Master Splinter cried, but it was too late. His martial arts instincts and rat instincts naturally took over, and in a flash, he had kicked Ron Weasley in the face and then bitten his face off. Nobody cared very much, because Ron Weasley was silly.

"Now that's what I call getting a-head of the situation!" Raphael joked like a regular Jerry Seinfeld. Soon, even Master Splinter was laughing as he ripped out Ron Weasley's intestines to make a nest with.

XV. Gollum Gollum Goll
"FORGETTING SOMETHING?" boomed a voice, snapping the gang out of their moment of joking and laughing. Everyone looked up, and there was Shredder, taking the ring from Gollum!

"Shredder, you resize jewelry?" asked Frodo. "Thank Gollum for me!"

"I don't think Gollum deserves to be thanked," thought Donatello as he spit and looked back at his final calculations. "I think he needs to be spanked!"

Casey Jones had a brain hemorrhage. Gandolf built a utopian civilization. April and Hermione wrestled in the mud. And everyone waited to see what would happen with Shredder...something good, or something not.

« Go back to Part IV | Continue to Part VI »

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