Letters: April 16, 2010

In the time since we last answered your letters, the world has become a strange, frightening place, with socialists running amok threatening to take down The EV. Will this happen? It will unless you send us more letters! (We promise to answer them quicker this time.)

What A Lovely Thing TO Say!

u fucking racist cracker i hope u die, u fucking deformed bitch asshole go fuck a donkey - fuckucracker

Josh: Cracker?! You can't use that word! That's our word.

Have You Guys Ever Heard Of This 'Eye-Phone'?

Hi, I'm an undergrad app developer, and I actually love the concept of an app described in your article "Seven IPhone App Ideas Guaranteed to Make You Rich and Sexy". Don't worry, I get the satire! Is it at all possible that I would be allowed to create an app based on one of your ideas? Thanks, sorry if this is a stupid question - I'd love to bring your idea to life, but not if it's stepping on your intellectual rights. - Jordan

Josh: We wrote Jordan back personally and let him know that by all means, he should use our awesome ideas to make himself rich. Jordan is the second developer to find inspiration from that article, but so far, we haven't seen any finished EV-related apps. Could it be that the iPhone is being discontinued? It's likely.

A reader Finally Realizes The Truth.


Josh: That's a strange one to call "fake" on. Somewhere on the Internet, I could see someone attempting to make a career out of their superior bishop-beating skills.

Being Gay: Is There Anything More Straight?

Ah, HA! I knew it!!! The true nunber of gays in this country is actually half of the reported number. The other half are numb-nuts alcoholics: they are easily fooled, stay the course regardless and are subconsciously predispositioned to bend over and grab their ankles. You know....REPUBLICANS!!! - Light N. Loafers

Josh: I don't like the divisiveness of your conclusion. Can't we acknowledge that most politicians in all parties are basically super-gay?


The solution to the problem of having a song stuck in your head is to recognize each song is a "Freeze Frame" of time, encapsulated in your head..in your head, in your head, Zombie. So get with the program. It don't really matter to me, everybody has a right to be free of annoying songs in their heads. It begins with a smell, like teenaged spirit, then ignites in your brain until before you know it, you're burning down the house. Watch out, you might get what you're after if you try to overwrite one song with another. It's better to just pump up the volume and dance, dance to drown it all out. Then breath....breath in the air. Don't be afraid to care, but then again, when you feel it coming in the air tonight, just tell yourself, "I am Iron Man" and resist, even if it means not getting money for nothing and your chicks for free. Girl, you know it's true. One thing leads to another...and the wrong antedote is like a ball down your throat. But, if you take your time, do it right, they'll call you the breeze, and you'll keep moving down the road. But, after you say goodby yellow brick road, step out the front door like a ghost into the fog, contrast of white on white until no one notices that's you in the corner; that's you in the spotlight and you're losing your religion but you still don't know who let the dogs out. Who? Who? Oh CRAP!!! Let's start over! - Dr. Sigmond Fraud

Josh: I FUCKING HATE YOU. (But well done.)

Wait, Our 'Best Of Spam' Section Is Still Up?

Wow that was amazing info on Janet Jackson's sex cult pagan tradition. Check out this site about Jay-Z and his devil worship the site is www.forerunner777.com - Brandon Wydeman

Josh: Normally, we don't leave in plugs to outside websites (so don't let this letter give you any funny ideas), but this one had to stay in. How could we not want to send people to a website that features a series of videos on Jay-Z, the New World Order, satanism, and YOU?

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

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