Americans Outraged After Suddenly Realizing Interstate Highways Are Government-Run

Pictured: an outraged man.

As the debate continues to rage on over whether or not the U.S. should include a public, government-funded plan in its healthcare reform, many citizens abruptly noticed that the federal government funds and regulates all Interstate Highways in the nation, and has done so for over 50 years.

Now, many are up in arms over the largest public works project in history, which has somehow gone unnoticed since the mid-20th century.

"I can't believe I didn't think of this before," said conservative analyst Paul Dobson, slapping his forehead in disbelief. "We were all so focused on the idea of the government ruining healthcare forever that we forgot how President Eisenhower -- who was obviously tricked by President Barack Hussein Obama -- already ruined our highways by building and then socializing them in the 1950s."

Dobson further clarified that Obama is not a U.S. citizen, but rather a time-traveling fiend who was born in the strange, alien fields of Mars.

Republican Senator Jim DeMint agreed, saying that like public healthcare, the government-funded Interstate is unconstitutional.

"Despite the obvious private applications of the Interstate, some people have tried to pass this $425 billion boondoggle off as purely a military exercise," he scoffed. "That makes about as much sense to me as saying that public healthcare could be considered a matter of national security because we'll be less safe if large portions of our populace are broke and sick all damn the time."

Now that Americans like Dobson have remembered that the U.S. has a public highway system, they are beginning to assemble and organize against it, demonstrated at a recent rally in a remote, roadless area of Montana that attracted over three people.

"If we rely on the government to build our roads, we'll all be waiting in line for seven years, just to enter an onramp!" shouted one man, holding a sign reading "A Road Is A Road To Socialism Road". "Well, I said no to socialism transportation, and to date, I've built over 14 feet of my own road that I can travel on, tax free."

Critics of the Interstate say that opening the entire system up to the free market would allow a few large corporations to control the nation's transportation grid, which they would profit from by charging high tolls to people with pre-existing crappy cars.

For those with no cars, Dobson says access to the Interstate -- now renamed the Best Buy Street Zone sponsored by Microsoft -- could be gained by simply buying a car.

"It's pretty simple," he beamed. "And while they were at it, those people could also go ahead and go to college, and be sure to save lots of money for retirement, too. Those are all smart ideas that anyone should feel free to use."

In one recent poll, a certain number of Americans said that now that they've heard the Interstate is a socialist nightmare, they want no part of it.

"I heard that once you get on a nationalized road, tanks will run you over if you aren't a liberal," said one elderly woman, shaking with fear. "We ought to make government stick to decent American causes, like building the military and running Medicare."

"I heard," added another man ominously, "that if you surpass a certain speed, you run the risk of being tossed into jail by some kind of government police force...probably because they're afraid of you discovering time travel and realizing that President Barack Obama is an alien fraud."

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