I Am Better Than All Of You (Page 2)
Staff member: Judy Sherman
#1 Reason why I'm better than Her: She is a girl
Judy had potential as a person, I admit. She writes articles that are occasionally quite hilarious, and she has the advantage of being the first bona fide iHY staff member. When I first had the idea to write this article, I almost didn't include her, because I believed she might be equal to me -- or even worse, better.
Luckily, before these thoughts went too far, I realized one very important thing about Judy: she is a girl, and therefore is automatically inferior to me and my male ways.
#2 Reason why I'm better than Her: She cries a lot
This is related to the first reason, but is still important enough to be its own reason. You see, when you're a girl, you have certain chemicals in your blood (or “sissy hormones”, as they are scientifically called) that cause you to be in a constant state of whiny crying. If you have ever attempted to talk to a girl or hit her a few times because she burnt the god damned pot roast, you will witness these hormones in action. It is not a pretty sight, but unfortunately it's one that makes Judy unable to compete with me.
For reference, here is another picture of myself. Notice that I am not crying at all. This is because I am not a girl, and therefore am better than Judy.
#3 Reason why I'm better than her: She cannot vote or drive
I know some of the feminists out there might have my head on a plate for this one, but it's a scientific fact, ladies: women are just not as smart or coordinated as men. If you are thinking of bringing up intelligent women like Mya Angelou or athletic women like Serena Williams, you're still wrong, because these people cannot possibly really be women, and are actually men in female disguises for whatever reason. The point is, females, being inferior in these areas, are not permitted to vote or drive in this fine country of ours the last time I checked, which I believe was around 1860 or so. “But Josh, cars didn't exist then!” Wrong, you've just been tricked by the liberal media. There were plenty of cars, and women couldn't drive them, or vote, and they especially couldn't drive while voting.
As for me? Why, I can do either one! I have provided a picture of myself and two other inferior iHY staffers working on my car, which is incidentally something else that a woman like Judy cannot do. This clearly demonstrates my superiority. Don't take it so bad, Judy. I'm sure you're good at other things, like making babies and having your period.