I Am Better Than All Of You, Part II
Long ago, I established that I was better than the entire staff of the website "I Hate You". I can not link to that website directly, because it no longer exists. Gee, that's funny, considering that I do still exist. GUESS I WAS RIGHT.
But enough about me being right. No, actually. Not enough. More about me being right. Because there is something else that I need to establish that I am better than. It's a little website called The Enduring Vision, and it's time for me to, figuratively speaking, hump it -- not sexually, but in a manner of dominance, as a fierce male dog might do to a lesser dog.
Yes, I did start The Enduring Vision five years ago, so you might be asking yourself: "Josh, how can you be better than something you created?" And believe me, that's a good question. Can something that reproduces asexually by budding be better than the bud of itself it created? Probably. Similarly, I can be better than The Enduring Vision even though I created it, especially since my beautifully sculpted asexual bud has since been diluted by staff members. These are people who are not me who write EV material when I am off being too awesome to do it myself. But now, the time has come to prove myself to them and anyone else who doesn't think I am much, much better. Now, I will hump each and every one of them.
Staff member: Scott Wagner
#1 Reason why I'm better than him: He is un-American
Look at that map! Look at it! Now, I can't see it all that well, but I can sure as hell see one thing: that is not a map of America. I can only deduce from this, therefore, that Scott hates America. Since America is the greatest country in the world, and Scott hates it, he must not be great at all. But guess who is great?
That's right, Osama Scott Hussein. I love America so much that I built a statue of myself and gave it to the French to give to America to display in New York -- and France is still stupid. Looks like the Better Meter is already swinging my way, comrade.
#2 Reason why I'm better than him: He dresses up like a fruity vampire
Well la-de-da, don't you look dolled-up, Scott! I hope you felt nice and pretty putting on that black lipstick and eyeliner, because it just cost you most of your last hopes of being better than me. There is really only one appropriate time when you should be dressing up like a vampire, and that is if you are preparing for a blood meal. Amount of blood meals present in the photo? Zero. Chalk up another point for me.
I almost feel bad for Scott comparing his shamefully silly costume with my incredibly awesome one, but I feel I really need to drive this point home. Comparing our two outfits, it becomes clear that Scott is just too flamboyant for his own good, while my greatness shines through.
#3 Reason why I'm better than him: He has no chest support
I have heard from reliable sources that Scott can not own kittens, because they are apt to play with his deflated, sagging breasts. Now, not everyone can be blessed with a firm, perky chest, but there are support options out there that Scott, for whatever reason, cannot be bothered with. Taking pride in one's personal appearance matters a great deal in life, and Scott is strapped with two dangling nails in the coffin of his greatness.
Could I nurse a child with my breasts? No. I am too man-filled. But does it look like I could? You can bet Scott's two teardrops of flesh it does. A little support goes a long way, and in this case, the long way that it's going towards is me being better. Scott is finished.