Celebrating Father's Day: What Can YOU Do?
Assuming you don't have to hide from your father so that he won't kill you, Father's Day is a time for you to say, "Dad, I'm glad you gave it to Mom really good -- good enough to conceive me."
For most fathers, the above would be enough for a wonderful Father's Day, but you may have a difficult one who expects a little more for the holiday. If so, read on -- we've got you covered.
- Give father "World's Okay Dad" mug
Your initial temptation may be to buy a "World's Greatest Dad" mug, but with all the anxiety the title of "Best Dad" brings, you might as well give your father a bottle of antacids and a gift certificate to a psychiatrist. A dad who knows he's just barely getting the job done, on the other hand, has no pressure that he will use to later resent you.
- For men: quickly become gay
Passionately kissing another man in front of your dad will demonstrate to him that he was such a strong father figure to you, you now admire and appreciate men very deeply -- and romantically. This is a father's greatest dream.
- For women: quickly become men
It's common knowledge that while most men are moderately okay with their daughters, deep down, they wish they were sons instead. As long as you are a woman, your father will never stop being disappointed that you can't play baseball or drive a car.
- Watch "Getting Even With Dad"
One of Macaulay Culkin's finest films, this movie will show you that if your dad is an ex-con, you simply have to blackmail him in order to get him to love you. Bonus tip: blackmail your father even if he is not an ex-con.
- Use power of cloning to become own father
If you grow a clone of yourself inside your mother's womb, you will technically be your own father -- and you'll know just what to get yourself for Father's Day! WARNING: your clone may be evil and try to kill you. Try to avoid his attacks until Father's Day.
- Rename holiday to "Farter's Day"
Do it. Call President Obama immediately.
- Make sure father is not a robot
Ask a question that only your real, human father would know the answer to, such as "What did I say to you that one day when I was six years old?" If he can't answer, throw an axe at his cold, mechanical heart.
- Opt to celebrate more progressive "Parent's Day" instead
President Nixon, a known jerk, signed Father's Day into law -- probably to help him spy on political opponents. President Clinton, on the other hand, made Parent's Day official -- probably because he's a cool guy who wanted to honor his parents with a saxophone solo. Which one sounds like a better holiday to celebrate?
- Loudly point out incorrect apostrophe in "Father's Day"
If you have noticed that the way Father's Day is written makes it a singular possessive, despite the fact that most people refer to it as a plural possessive, congratulations -- this has never been discovered before. Inform your father, and you'll give him the greatest gift of all: the gift of correct spelling.
- Send Dad festive Father's Day Tweet
Sending Tweets are the hip new way to show people how you feel, in the form of simple sentences that look like they were written by a retarded man. Your father will greatly appreciate your message "@confuseddadontwitter: hllo dad, want to wsh you hppy fathers day! u mean a lot 2 me and mom. i will cross-post 2 facebook 2 4 u me & u luv"