Letters: August 11, 2009

In this very special edition, a number of readers grow angry at the penis talk in one of our recent articles. Do penises make you happy or sad? Let us know!

You Got Us!

Ha, funny. This is an interesting piece...can't be serious however... - Evan

Josh: I don't see why not! Losers probably listen to Hendrix all the time.

Dicks, And Admiring Them.

Dear "Party...Fucking Pooper"
Except for your basic premise that, gee, it's ok to admire a big dick...you're a complete and utter idiot. And stop embarassing your english professors and learn how to write.
- collhic

Josh: You've missed the point, collhic. The basic premise of the story was that you are obviously gay.

The Mixing Of Races.

Ah, Ha, HAAA! This was one funny article. The entire notion of the U.S. government funding interstate highways was a very clever parody. Imagine if they really DID fund interstates: no choice of roads, being forced to pick up hitchhikers, and cars lined up from here to Miami waiting to pay tolls. What a mess that would be. Thank Gawd that ain’t the case!

But, while your "what-if-the-government-ran-roads" parody almost made me crap my pants laughing ( I have irrational bowel syndrome), your crack at the "Birthers" kind of pissed me off…I do not appreciate your mocking us as wackos who think Obama came from space. Our position is well-thought out and documented. Obama is the Anti-Christ, born of a jackal. And where are jackals…huh…WHERE ARE THEY? In Africa! Where is Kenya? In Africa! "The Omen" was a documentary featuring a white Anti-Christ and Obama is half-white. Coincidence? I don’t think so. - Bobby Birther III

Josh: Nevermind all that. Your email made me think of something else: can someone who is half white and half black really be a reverse racist? That would mean they'd have to be racist only against someone who is half black and half white. We really need a race relations expert to chime in on this one. Glenn Beck, please write us immediately.

More On Loving Penises, And Why That's Gay, Dude.

Wow...um getting turned on by another guys penis does make you a little gay dude. You may not be gay, but you're definitely not straight. Aside from that...um....sorry I forgot...my IQ dropped a little from reading what you call an article, and I call the murder of the english language. You already know this since I'm no where close to the first person to tell you that you are a douche. :-) - Damien

Josh: The interesting part: many of the complaints about this editorial center around its writing style, rather than its homophobia and misogyny. The funny part: complaints about writing errors almost always contain errors themselves.

Speaking Of Writing Errors...

I hate you all! Next, there IS true PUNK going on every where all over the world right now! Local scenes will provide the true punk any true punk desires! For me, Punk was all about the music and the people and the friendships made there. Those were and many still are the best of all friends I've ever had. Congrats on finding punk, too bad you were too shallow and filled with joy and love as a teen ager to get it back then. Go see local shows and I don't mean any kind of Jonas Bros or Hot Chip???? What ever that shit is? I mean the show that's got shitty hand made posters probably at a house somewhere or some dirty bathroomed little open room without seats or heat and air where people drink PBR and Jagermiester or straight shots of Jack or Jameson and Guiness, if they have it! The smell and steam hit you as you enter the room and the music is loud as hell and you can't understand a thing the singer is singing. There may be 40 people in the room throwing one another back and forth as if they've entered into the spirit of big horned sheep as they buck heads to show dominence! You may just of found yourself a punk show my friend. - Bat138

Josh: I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who said, "Punk's not dead -- it just deserves to die when it becomes another stale cartoon." He also had a deep appreciation for penises, but was not gay.

The Humor Is Always Added Last.

Dear Enduring Vision Writers;
In your rush to put out a satirical article, it appears that you forgot to include the humor. I'm sure this was simply an oversight and not as a result of you being clueless imbeciles. Thank you for making it mercifully short and not wasting TOO much of my time.

Thanks in advance for next week's improvements. - Angry Ted

Josh: None of our articles are meant to be funny. This is a serious website. Please tell all your little internet friends.

The Humor Is Always Added First.

"Nine people were killed." It's OK, though... We're immune to 'witty' criticism by using the South Park defense: We make fun of everything. - Michael

Josh: I've never heard of this "South Park", but its creators sound like cruel jerks. With so many people dying every day, how can anyone laugh about anything?

The Twist Is That Anthony Michael Hall Is Emilio Estevez.

How about Brad Pitt and Ed Norton in a follow-up to "Fight Club" called "The Break Face Club". It could happen... - Peter Pun

Josh: Ugh, puns about John Hughes breakfast classics are eggactly what we don't need.

You Know What Everyone Likes? Inside Jokes That Nobody Gets.

I must say, your site would be more pleasing to the eyes if it had blue accents rather than red. In addition to that I think that HRNNNNNNNNG! - Tentman

Josh: You're clearly insane. Here's a preview of what the site would look like in blue. It's not even funny! Furthermore, HRRRARRRGHHTT

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

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