Paleontologists Make Rare Discovery That Will Finally Get Them Laid
Science News, 03/08/10 - A team of paleontologists from the University of Michigan made a stunning discovery last week in India, remarkable in both its scientific importance and its rare guarantee to get them laid.
Scientists believe the find is so cool that anyone connected to it is almost guaranteed a little action for once. | Read more
MPAA Assigns Obama PG-13 Rating For Adult Themes, Smoking
Politics News, 03/04/10 - The Motion Picture Association of America today gave President Barack Obama a PG-13 rating, primarily due to recent news that the President is having trouble quitting smoking. | Read more
Your Letters Answered: March 3, 2010
Letters, 03/03/10 - It's our monthly celebration of the millions of people who send us letters. Out of those, only a few ever get printed, because most people, when faced with writing something the internet, are struck dumb, and barely literate. | Read more
Whale Trainer's Death Reveals Hidden Dangers Of Anthropomorphizing Carnivorous Predators
Science News, 03/01/10 - "This stands in stark contrast to the thousands of stuffed Shamu dolls we sell every year," said Sea World spokesperson Wanda Banyan. | Read more
![Pictured: the correct spelling of Toyota [sic].](images/business_022810.png)
Emotionar Toyota CEO Make Prea To Rawmakers, Predge To Improve Vehicres
Business News, 02/28/10 - Toyoda faced criticism and questioning on Capitol Hill, which is where America keeps its most perfect citizens. | Read more
Democrats, Republicans Draft Legislation Requiring Both Parties to Disagree on Everything, Always
Politics News, 02/25/10 - Republicans and Democrats joined forces to require that no cooperation between parties ever be attempted again. | Read more
God Once Again Fails To Kill Dick Cheney
Politics News, 02/23/10 - The creator of the Universe mounted another unsuccessful attempt to kill former Vice President Dick Cheney yesterday, who remains alive despite enduring his fifth heaven-sent heart attack. | Read more
Black History Month Seems Pretty White To Me
Editorial, 02/22/10 - Let's get one thing straight, here: I love black people. I love practically everything about them, including their culture, which I find fascinating, and even a little thrilling. | Read more
Man Discovers That His Best Talent Is Masturbating
U.S. News, 02/16/10 - The marathon onanist acquiesced that his skill set may not lead to financial success, but expressed relief to finally discover that excels in at least one category. | Read more
