Welcome To The Ranks Of The Unemployed, Part II

EV Living, 7/1/09 - Have you recently parted ways with the oppressive establishment in order to lead a more fulfilling life? If you answered yes, no, you haven't. You're just out of work. Welcome!

In this continuing feature, I, Dr. Richard Black, will help new initiates and old hands alike as they navigate through the pitfalls of our nation's burgeoning welfare state. Enjoy! | Read more

Survey Finds That One Out Of Five People At This Morning's Meeting Masturbated In The Shower

Business News, 6/30/09 - The study made you wonder what Donaldson was thinking during the presentation of the rise and fall of company profits. | Read more

Famous Salesman Billy mAys' Death: Genuine, Or Elaborate Pitch For New 'OxyCoffin' Product?

Arts & Culture News, 6/29/09 - Some speculate Mays is merely staging a stunt designed to promote a new line of "As Seen On TV" coffins. | Read more

Farrah Fawcett Disappointed at Heavenly Reception; Angels, Saints Distracted by King of Pop

Arts & Culture News, 6/25/09 - Actress Farrah Fawcett expressed disappointment over her Heavenly reception in light of Michael Jackson's arrival. | Read more

Republican Governor Confesses To Having Affairs With Other Republicans; 'I Screwed Them All'

Politics News, 6/24/09 - "We were screwing each other, over and over again," Gov. Mark Sanford said tearfully. | Read more

Scientists Discover Obnoxious Four-Year-Old Who May Hold Key To Preventing Overpopulation

Science News, 6/23/09 - The child's penchant for making a loud, obnoxious ruckus could encourage people to instantly decide against ever having children. | Read more

Politician Apologizes For You Being So Fucking Stupid

Politics, 6/22/09 - After accidentally emailing a joke that insults minorities to his entire email database, a local politician has issued an apology for "the way my obviously joking and light-hearted comments were misconstrued." | Read more

Celebrating Father's Day: What Can YOU Do?

Feature, 6/18/09 - Assuming you don't have to hide from your father so that he won't kill you, Father's Day is a time for you to say, "Dad, I'm glad you gave it to Mom really good -- good enough to conceive me." | Read more

Democrats, Republicans Vow To Compromise, Create Ineffectual Healthcare Reform 'That Nobody Likes'

Politics News, 6/17/09 - The nation has been preparing for a grueling debate on healthcare reform, but it may not get the blood match it deserves. | Read more

Jungle Fever Mistaken For Racial Tolerance

Cultural News, 6/16/09 - Jim Halloran of Indianapolis has informed friends that his recent lust for a black woman represents an enlightened point of view on race relations, even though experts have dismissed his feelings as "mere jungle fever". | Read more

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7/1/09 - Hello, friends! Thanks for joining us for a new month of saying stuff about the site that you probably don't care about. We're glad to have you!

First and foremost, an apology is definitely in order: June was not the best of months for regular updates, as you may have noticed from our invention of the four-day week. But we swear on the lives of all the snarky jerks on the internet that we really do have some good stuff cooking for you. We're hoping to share some of the fruits of our labors very soon, and resume a more satisfying update schedule, too. If you want a preview, here's a few words to mull over: comics, user reviews, audio, and version 5.4. The Enduring Vision is about to get all crazy up in here.

Unfortunately, in the midst of all this whatnot, we haven't had a whole lot of time to dedicate to our ongoing quest to move more of our vast archives into our new system. We can't exactly remember where we left off, but if you haven't poked around the archives in a while, why don't you give it a shot now, before we finally get around to adding even more? When you add everything up, there's close to 1,000 articles/editorials/silly things to read and look at. Considering that man's ability to read is reduced by 30% every year that the internet exists, that's a lot of stuff to go through!

Also, letters! Send us some! And for the love of Pete, please try to make them intelligible. We love answering letters, but we're reluctant to do an update that consists primarily of the drool from man-children.

So long, and as always, stay tuned to this section for any announcements we may have in July. If all goes well, we should have at least one or two...

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